FOAM PARTY!

at Canadian Tire

It’s slowly getting colder here in Canada, and I need to fix the heating in the bathroom before things get icy. So, I went downstairs to frig around the fuses, hoping that’d do the trick. But instead of an easy win, I found mouse shit in the cold storage room under the fuse box. Not freaking out. Not freaking out. Not freaking out. After some futile frigging with the fuses (bathroom thermostat still unresponsive), I turned my attention to the rodent situation. That’s when I noticed the water damage. Not. Freaking. Out.

I found a solution online, it’s, like, this waterproof expanding foam made for backyard ponds. But it didn’t fix the thermostat either! jk, jk, jk, ok, so I found this foam that could fix both the rodent holes and the water situation. Right on. The only catch? I had to pick it up from Canadian Tire. And not just any Canadian Tire. Barton Canadian Tire.

Two things:

1. I loathe leaving the house. If there’s an agoraphobia spectrum, I’m on it, yo. I get everything delivered and manage everything else in 2-3 quick trips a week, max.

2. Barton. Barton is the roughest area in this, an already fucking tough-ass city.
   

And Barton was bringing it on my foam collection excursion. Backpacked thieves casually trickle through the Canadian Tire turnstile while the staff—mostly women, all over 50—try to hold the line. They radio each other, keep backpacks behind the counter, and essentially coordinate a defence strategy right there at the checkout.

When I got to customer service to collect my precious foam, I wanted to say something supportive to the woman who cashed me out, or, like, make a sympathetic expression like you do when it's the holidays and workers are swamped. But this wasn’t a case of “Sorry it’s so busy, this must be hectic for you!” this was more like, “I’m so sorry you're being robbed. I’m sorry this is a slow-moving crime scene. I’m sorry that this is just a long, quiet, non-violent hold-up that, I guess, is constantly threatening to become non-non-violent. I’m sorry that this is what it means to work retail. I’m sorry this is the end of retail. I’m sorry it’ll be all Amazon because the rents went up, and now no one has a house, and everyone has to steal everything til all the stores close down. I’m sorry I have a house. I don’t know how I ended up with one. I’m so glad I’m returning there now. I’m going to try to keep my palace intact with these two cans of foam. We are all doomed. Also, I have Canadian Tire Money.”

By the way, have you seen the new A$AP Rocky video? It’s actually a masterpiece.